Memories

This is one of the more mushy posts, so quit while you can :)

Maybe it's because it was so recent, or maybe because it's when I first made so many new things, but matriculation holds most of my memories, some happy, some sad. Anyway, it's nice to get that feeling again, remembering things feels like wrapped in warm blankets on a stormy evening... You feel so safe and comfy, and nothing will make you leave that. If you know what I mean.

Songs, especially, link me back to the past. Right now, listening to Katy Perry's Thinking of You, it reminds me of lonely days I spent outing alone. I was walking alone in the huge mall (Jusco Penang I think) and this song came up. I was eating an orange lollipop, walking alone, nothing to do... and I bit the lolly. It broke, and gashed the roof of my mouth. I bled, and went into the huge, empty restroom and there's this cleaner guy crouching on the floor, head between his knees. He said nothing, and neither did I. Washed my blood, and went out again.

I saw Pink's Who Knew MV just now, and it reminded me of the night I had a tonsil infection. It was late, and everyone was asleep. It hurts like hell, and I daren't fall asleep in case it hurts worse when I woke up. But it really hurt, and I'm thirsty and I can't drink, I can barely speak... Nobody could help, since it's way past midnight. I sat in front of the TV, and they're playing late night MVs... and then there's Who Knew, and each time I heard that I remembered that night. I remembered that night fondly, though, even though it was painful, staying up all night alone, on a couch in front of the TV.

Then there's that night I went for a marathon. It was an international marathon in Penang, and I had this fever. It was a very high fever, and I hadn't eaten anything in days. But I still went, a Koolfever plastered onto my forehead. We spent the night at Queensbay Mall, and I slept in a theater, through a horror movie. That cleared my head a bit. I went outside with my friend Muz, and we walked around, waiting for the marathon to start. There's this song playing loudly, it's LeAnn Rimes' Life Goes On, and I heard it somehow. 5 minuted before the race started, while I am standing behind the starting line, sweat broke out and I got an instant heal lol. I didn't finish it, of course, I haven't eaten for three days. I stopped running at the 18th km...

But the song that brought most memories to me is Vanessa Carlton's White Houses. I had that in my cellphone for a while, and the song is so touching that I kept hearing that over and over again. It reminds me of a lot of things, last days at KMPP. The overnight outing with Sayza and Zetty, lazy evenings with nothing to do, my roomates, and that fucking sunset. Can't get that fucking sunset out of my head. I dreamt of it, and it stays in there forever. It's not that bad, but it made me sad-like. Like knowing you'd never see that again, and it was so beautiful it hurt inside, but it hurt good.

Anyway, lately I've been rushing around, not having the time to sit and reminisce and all, but that's good in a way, because what we did today become our memories for tomorrow. So now I'm trying to get as much experience as possible, just for that cozy feeling I got, that closeness, that salvation.

No wtr??

Well, whaddaya know. I woke up this morning and found out the water supply's out. And I've got exam at 8! Luckily teh next block still gots water, so showered there. Finished exam (badly) and went back, turned on the internet and found a notice saying today will be no water. Well, why don't you bastards post it earlier??! Shit!
Now I'm left with no water at all. I haven't washed my face in like, 28 hours and it's sticky as hell. Not to mention shower... And i can't use teh toilet!!! Why?? Why???
Now I'm real crappy and snapped at everyone in proximity. And I've only got rm290 left in my account! Rm1200 spent in liek, a month? My dad's gonna get a heart attack. Sure, I've still got another RM2000 which my mom kept, but hell, 1200 in 30 days? that's liek spending rm40 a day!
Anyways, I know i'll never get an easy time after this, what with my crappy results comin out and teh annual camp and the super spender and all... Seriuosly considerin suicide. Or killing fucking everybody else. Lol

Does anybody care?

Hi-ho! 'Tis been a loong time afore me wrote on this page, but does anybody notice?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
Hell no, Nobody's been reading this. But then again, this is kinda liek my diary, so I'll just keep on Writing.
Uspot sucks big time!!! I should've gotten broadband in the first place, but uspot is sometimes normal, sometimes it sucks... Plus the trouble of going out to pay bills each month... *sigh*

i AM injury prone

Well, there you have it. I busted another ankle. The other one haven't healed completely yet, and now this one is twisted... How the hell will i walk again T_T

Hahaha actually the pain grows smaller with every injury you take. The first time I twisted a limb I almost fainted and can't move for days, but now I can walk within minutes (but that really hurts) after i gots myself injured...

Jeez, i however prefer NOT getting any moar of these injuries plz kthanx

Get ur f**king mind off food!

So lately i've been thinking only about eating, liek 'jeez, maybe i should taek that bus, it heads to teh cafe' or 'is it dinnertime yet?'.

This impulse may be triggered to the illusion of havin sooooo much money in mah pockets (well, bank account actually). Technically, it is an illusion coz ptptn is a loan, and i hav to pay that back someday (yeah rite), making me want to eat anything that moves...

So yesterday was the Russian poetry recital, and I ate some nasi lemak with sausages and potatoes as add-ons (see? see!?) and left, and the whole time i was at the russian cultural center i keep thinking about that table of refreshments i saw on the way in, but alas, i have to go solat jumaat, and it was at that particular time that they decided to have their snack hour... All clear when i returned T_T

Went back to university, sat in room until liek 8 pm (no lunch) and lay down for a while, woke up at, get this, 2 am!!!! How the hell am i supposed to eat then? I finished my maggi stock ages ago, and John's stash is only mie sedap, which i particularly loathe... So i bloated my guts today at McD's, and just half a regular fries filled me up, and boy, i keep stuffing them down and got me a large vanilla coke on the way into the cinema...

So i lasted liek, 28 hours without eating? And i was real cranky and all, but hey, I'm cranky when I'm full anyway lol

That time in life

Well, folks, it's that time in your life again. Where you just want to shout and smash anything in sight. When your knuckles are practically hungry for something to punch and kick and you really, really wish there's a punching bag right now or you swear to god you're gonna kill somebody, hang their bodies in a tree and kick it till a limb falls off...

When you say fuck to slow internet, computer virus, and your common reply was the middle finger.

When you just can't be bothered to get up in the mornings anymore, and feel like you can sleep the whole day. Assignments still not sent in (THATS 20 FUCKING MARKS DAMMIT) and you just realized that you don't know what the heck have your lecturers been trying to teach you this whole semester

When you'd rather eat than do your fucking assignments...

So cranky that your equally cranky friends begin to run away, pissing in their wet pants

duh, FINALSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU DAMMIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I'D KICK YOUR ASS TILL YOU SHIT IN YOUR PANTS YOU STUPID SICK FUCK BLOODY DAMNATION &^$(&^$%^#$@#$%$^&%^#*$&%

...
...*cough* pardon me :)

Touch in, touch out... cont'd

Well, after that day school became hell for me. I made no contact whatsoever with anyone. I rarely even answered when teachers spoke to me. Recess for me is going to the library, because nobody would think of talking to a reading stranger. It became such a bore that I loathe going to school.

That was until one day, when something happened. The teacher for that period was not in, and the seat next to me was empty because the jackass in it was on leave. I was reading something totally ridiculous, chemistry for undergraduates. Its not like I get pleasure from reading, but as long as I pretend to be reading, nobody would approach me and talk. As asshole-ish as my classmates are, they respect people's needs for study. Even if a nerd with 'bully me' flashing all round his bespectacled head is reading or doing homework, he won't be bothered.

Or so I thought. In the middle of all the noise of the various groupies chatting and some kids playing futsal with a bottle at the back of the class, I can hear somebody approach. I flipped a page to show that I'm reading.

He sat right next to me. I know it was a 'he' because it's an all-male school. I pretended not to notice, and flipped a few more pages, pretending to look for something. And then he spoke.

"You know, I like sitting next to you. It's so peaceful,"

I was hoping he was talking to somebody else, but after a few moments, I realized that it was me he was talking to. Dumbed by the unexpected greeting, I said nothing but looked at him. It was the school's rugby captain. Probably the alpha male here. I wondered where his group is. I looked around and saw that they were discussing something rather audibly.

We said nothing more. He just sat there, head on the desk, relaxing, and I continued my fake reading. But somehow, I felt comfortable with this.

The next day he came again. Well, it was after the finals and teachers didn't bother to come in anyway. He introduced himself and we talked a bit. He was the first person I know that recognizes silence as a part of conversation. We'd talk, and suddenly we'd stop, then start again at the takeoff point. It was like listening to lazy people talking. In fact, that's what I call it: lazy chatting.

Over time we became friends, and as our friendship strengthened, I found that befriending him was different than befriending Ed. Befriending him slowly dissolves my barrier towards other people. Maybe it's because he's somebody in this short high school life, or maybe it's because the way he behaves, but I found that you don't need to be alone.

He introduced me to his friends, and I met them with pleasure. Other people started to approach me and we became friends. But still, somehow, I never did get myself a clique. I have a lot of friends, but I hang out alone. And the captain sometimes hung out with me, but we are alone. Maybe because it was the quality that made him talk to me in the first place: peaceful solitary.

ZOMG I'm sooo embarassed!!!!11!!

Td kan, I got on the campus bus as usual, 5 stops from where i'm staying. I'm heading back, and i got this humongous plastic bag filled with thankfully clean laundry and a McValuetm meal Cik Pah bought me. So the bus was full, but I got on anyway.

It was that kind of bus that maximizes standing space, so i stood in the middle of a crowd. things went quite well until the next stop.

The bus stopped and people got off, leaving me more space in the middle. I had to move away from the pole I'm leaning on to (Can't hold an overhead grip, both hands full) and stand in the middle, away from any poles.

Then the bus jerked and moved forward. I took a step backwards, trying to balance myself, but I lost it anyway and fell right on the laps of three girls. Now, that might sound like a dream come true but believe me, you don't wanna do that in public.

The girls screamed, and I'm sure it's not a scream of pleasure lol

I got up and said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I could've blushed, but my face's too black for that.

So for the rest of the long journey back I stood there, hoping there's no one i know on board T_T

Touch in, touch out

Don't think dirty!!!

That is what i read in homecoming by cynthia voight, about people in yuor life. people we meet everyday, people you don't see much, people who are your best friends... just 'people'. what do they all have in common? they're not people who grasp your life, they're touchers.

Some people stay in your lives forever, even though they're gone. Their touch was something like a thunderbolt, warping your life line so that it's changed forever, for the better or worse. Friends i've met in matriculation... all hazy now, but i still remember a few quite vividly...

I once was a sociopath - a loner. DOn't get me wrong, i still am, just not as bad as i was earlier. My friend count at school is mostly two, one being another sociopath, the other being my link to the others... I never talk to strangers, no matter how friendly they are. I'm almost always lonely, coz my friends have lives of their own.

Things got worse in Form 4, where our class separated into different courses. I am left with Ed, my sociopath friend. The thing about me is, bullies leave me alone. I don't know why, i mean, i have the characteristics of a pick-on-me nerd, but they avoid me. They don't avoid Ed, however. They're always making fun of him due to his special characteristics...

We were the best of friends, although we sometimes fight (he giving me the silent treatment). He's almost always late for our meetings. I can remember going on an puting with him on Valentine's day, and what he said was "Aku x caye hari Valentine aku kuar ngan kau... cam gay plaksss,"

He had girlfriends, but he's always dissapointed with them; them being unfaithful...

We are quite happy nearing his death.

I still remember that last day of school with him. It was a Thursday, and the class is empty. I asked him if he was free that evening. He said he wanted to go back and sleep. I said he's always sleeping, why don't he sleep his life away?

I wished I hadn't said that.

We went back to our homes, and I spent the weekend with my family. It was Ramadan, and raya is very near. On SUnday I went back to school. Things got ugly.

I went to my seat and as usual, sat down and stared at the whiteboard. People were sitting in their cliches, as usual. hate to be a whiner, but i haven't a clique. I noticed that some of them were looking at me, which is unusual. I prepared my wall as one of them approached me.

He asked me if I know Ed's dead.

I stared at him, twisting my mouth into a skeptical smile. People sometimes joke about this stuff.

Don't bluff me, I said.

Another guy came near and said the same thing to me. Tears were forming in my eyes. I forced my face to show nothing, but my eyes betrayed me. I don't want to believe it, I can't believe it... I refuse to believe it. Liars, I told them, hoping my voice didn't break. Any moment now, I thought, any moment they'd break into laughter at their cruel joke, and Ed will come as usual, carrying his worn-out black bag.

The laughter never came. So didn't Ed. Forever.

I went outside for the morning prayers, still not willing to be gullible. But then someone said over the PA system: One of our students had an accident last Friday, so let us pray.

So it was true. I didn't pray. I went back in class and sat down, alone in my place at the corner of the class. I focused on restraining my tears, ignoring the stares that i didn't see but i know it was there...

People tried talking to me, but i pretended to be asleep. I went back home, broken. And i tried to cry then but my tears never came. It was unfair. He was my only friend. Why not take somebody else's? Someone who has a lot of friends? One missing wouldn't make a difference. But I only had one, and they had many. Surely...

Then I know why God did it. So that I'm the only one hurt. Had it been somebody else, more people would've been hurt. It still felt unfair. I closed myself to the world. And never showed anything to anyone again. How i felt. My desires, ambitions, hopes, fears... My face became a wooden mask, and my voice dissappeared.

To be continued, coz I'm damn late to class.

OH SHI~

Okay, I admit that l8ly all i've said is bad things about my attention-whoring-asspergers-syndromic seniors, but they are (here i go again), so this time I'm going along with nice and thoughtful.

I've been thinking lately that unless you believe in reeincarnation, we all only got one chance to be somebody. Either be a specific somebody or be a hybrid. Like, I mean, say, for students, especially in universities, we study to be something: we take medicine to be a doctor/pharmacist/surgeon, we take engineering to be, well, engineers, etc. etc.

Have it ever occured to you what would happen if you didn't take that course? What if you took something else? Would you be who you are now? Know your friends now? Have your present skills/experiences? Have present memories of life? So much possibilty come from that one moment when you choose to follow a certain course.

As for me, I took a degree in Forestry, and if I hadn't I'd probably never stick my feet into forests or meet my best friends, Tasha, Cik Pah, Shazril, Wan, Fauzi and everybody else. On the contrary, I might also never meet my asspie seniors (whoops, pardona mei) and the equally problematic Darwis... Sometimes I feel sorry for him lol

Then again, I'd probably have another set of good friends and assholes if I had followed another course. Or maybe more of one kind. But the thing here is, the slightest change can determine your life now.

What if you had set out earlier this morning? You might have met a potential friend, or maybe you could have missed what your roommate have to say to you last night vefore falling to sleep. Or maybe if you have registered at your college 15 minutes earlier, you could have someone else as a roommate, and maybe a whole new set of people altogether. Imagine not knowing the people you know now, and them being strangers who could've been your friends.

Or maybe if you had walked into a different place, you might have been someone else today, better or worse. It takes but a bit of change, a multitude of possibilities, an impossible set of values with unpredictable outcomes... So appreciate what you have today, and know that if you can actually turn back time you might have been someone else together... Friends don't come that easily :D