Touch in, touch out

Don't think dirty!!!

That is what i read in homecoming by cynthia voight, about people in yuor life. people we meet everyday, people you don't see much, people who are your best friends... just 'people'. what do they all have in common? they're not people who grasp your life, they're touchers.

Some people stay in your lives forever, even though they're gone. Their touch was something like a thunderbolt, warping your life line so that it's changed forever, for the better or worse. Friends i've met in matriculation... all hazy now, but i still remember a few quite vividly...

I once was a sociopath - a loner. DOn't get me wrong, i still am, just not as bad as i was earlier. My friend count at school is mostly two, one being another sociopath, the other being my link to the others... I never talk to strangers, no matter how friendly they are. I'm almost always lonely, coz my friends have lives of their own.

Things got worse in Form 4, where our class separated into different courses. I am left with Ed, my sociopath friend. The thing about me is, bullies leave me alone. I don't know why, i mean, i have the characteristics of a pick-on-me nerd, but they avoid me. They don't avoid Ed, however. They're always making fun of him due to his special characteristics...

We were the best of friends, although we sometimes fight (he giving me the silent treatment). He's almost always late for our meetings. I can remember going on an puting with him on Valentine's day, and what he said was "Aku x caye hari Valentine aku kuar ngan kau... cam gay plaksss,"

He had girlfriends, but he's always dissapointed with them; them being unfaithful...

We are quite happy nearing his death.

I still remember that last day of school with him. It was a Thursday, and the class is empty. I asked him if he was free that evening. He said he wanted to go back and sleep. I said he's always sleeping, why don't he sleep his life away?

I wished I hadn't said that.

We went back to our homes, and I spent the weekend with my family. It was Ramadan, and raya is very near. On SUnday I went back to school. Things got ugly.

I went to my seat and as usual, sat down and stared at the whiteboard. People were sitting in their cliches, as usual. hate to be a whiner, but i haven't a clique. I noticed that some of them were looking at me, which is unusual. I prepared my wall as one of them approached me.

He asked me if I know Ed's dead.

I stared at him, twisting my mouth into a skeptical smile. People sometimes joke about this stuff.

Don't bluff me, I said.

Another guy came near and said the same thing to me. Tears were forming in my eyes. I forced my face to show nothing, but my eyes betrayed me. I don't want to believe it, I can't believe it... I refuse to believe it. Liars, I told them, hoping my voice didn't break. Any moment now, I thought, any moment they'd break into laughter at their cruel joke, and Ed will come as usual, carrying his worn-out black bag.

The laughter never came. So didn't Ed. Forever.

I went outside for the morning prayers, still not willing to be gullible. But then someone said over the PA system: One of our students had an accident last Friday, so let us pray.

So it was true. I didn't pray. I went back in class and sat down, alone in my place at the corner of the class. I focused on restraining my tears, ignoring the stares that i didn't see but i know it was there...

People tried talking to me, but i pretended to be asleep. I went back home, broken. And i tried to cry then but my tears never came. It was unfair. He was my only friend. Why not take somebody else's? Someone who has a lot of friends? One missing wouldn't make a difference. But I only had one, and they had many. Surely...

Then I know why God did it. So that I'm the only one hurt. Had it been somebody else, more people would've been hurt. It still felt unfair. I closed myself to the world. And never showed anything to anyone again. How i felt. My desires, ambitions, hopes, fears... My face became a wooden mask, and my voice dissappeared.

To be continued, coz I'm damn late to class.